number two: God is being himself again.

Two posts in one 24-hour period! cuh-razy.

basically, i just wanna praise the Lord a little bit. i love how much God loves me. seriously, he's got to, because he puts up with an awful lot from me. take, for example, this crush situation.

i have a crush. i know that this boy is not the best that God has in mind, nor am i good for this boy. why? because i want affection. i like having someone who i know thinks im a hottie and who likes me. not that i need it, because believe me, i am plenty confident and this isnt me crying out for help. no. i am secure in Gods view of me, and my own of myself, praise the Lord. i just like having someone there, cause i am a girl and i think all girls do. but im not looking for a relationship, this boy most likely is, and i dont want to lead him on. well, immediately i do because its fun for me. but for him, i wish he could be guaranteed to be just as heart-safe as i am. anyways, the bottom line is that its not the best.

so now i've got this choice: a) i can take a detour from God's amazing (but unknown) plan for my love life/life in general and enjoy this crush for what it is and do my thing. this isnt going to mess up my life necessarily, its just like a little break from the God path, and i can hop right back on when its over and done with.
or b) i can choose to look forward to what God has for me and be confident that i am getting the best, both with regards to my future and my relationship with God right now.

the beautiful thing about God culminates here. he gives me this choice, i know he does, no matter what ben or harvest renewal or frickin jcalvin himself would say right now. and i am picking option b because he has brought me through this life long process of refining so that i dont want to be away from God for any duration, even if it has no apparent effect in the long run.

more than that, God does not deny the human condition and weakness. he knows better than anyone how much i dont want to give this up. think about it- flirting, having a crush and acting on it, is not inherently sinful or anything. so the other night, i pretty much told God that nothing in me desires to give this up and stay away from mr. cutie, but rather that i only had enough in me to say that i know the truth of the matter is that not pursuing is the better of the two options. and, like he faithfully always does, God is taking it from there. God will prevent me from seeing him as often as i want to, God will make certain flirting attempts fail before they have a chance to be carried out, and God will give me people to tell about this so i can be honest with myself and say i really do want to be crushy with him, but i wont.

and I think God is honored. if not by my choosing him, then by my acknowledging that he sees my humanness, my sketchy manipulative girl-ness, and that he responds in a way to make up for it and i dont have to even want it with everything i have.

he loves me so much : )
and he loves you too. so much.