untitled!

So...its been a long time.
I'm going to start writing again, because it's been a long time since I've done the things that I love the most. Or at least those things which tap into depth. Like writing. Or viola playing. And i've got a lot going on write now that, even though there aren't tons of thought strands, i've got a feeling that they will start peeling off as soon as i start picking.

so...one more time?
if i had a bottle of champagne, and hadn't given up drinking for lent, i would pop an inaugural cork : )

Cheapening

I can't believe the last time I wrote was September. Not that I'm trying for consistency or anything, but it's crazy to think of where I was then, and that I couldn't have predicted where I am now. Weird.

Ok. So David and I broke up. I don't need to go into the details of it, but I can say a few poignant things: even though I can function in a perfectly normal way from day to day, my heart is broken; I see the good in people, and I'm realizing it's to the point that it's a fault; and lastly, but probably mostly, God was doing something beautiful and multifacted when he allowed, or willed, or whatever-it-was-ed this breakup. Being broken up with has made me see myself in a really honest light, and for once, I am unexpectedly NOT looking at me going 'ew. THIS is something I need to change.' Instead, I'm seeing that I'm ready to be in a healthy relationship, and I am a GREAT girlfriend, and anything that doesn't work out is because he is not ready. It sounds snobby, but it's not, and it's true, and God, I think, has taken great pains and a lot of time to show me this about me.

As for technical reasons why David and I aren't together, they are blah blah blah. It's not that part that matters, but the postscript, and the bottom line of that is he cheated on me.

God it feels strange to be the one saying that.

Even though I don't want to make this about how I feel, I was (and still am) shocked, and dissapointed, and completely in doubt of whatever security I may have felt in that relationship, and also in my ability to judge character. But what really got to me was this thought: Wow David. You didn't even respect me enough not to make out with some other girl. Even if he knew we were breaking up the next week and he wasn't in it for forever, he was still in it at that moment. And even if he wasn't 100% sure that I was his number one, we had been friends for a year before that, and I can't believe there wasn;t enough care and respect to prevent it. I mean, I hope he wants to talk about this later, because I can't wait to ask what he would do if this had been someone else cheating on me, or even better- if it were his daughter in my place. THAT is what I want him to think about. Like Monica put it- 'Wow, all that and just for a make out?" yeah. Just for a make out with some random easy girl at a bar. Thanks David.

But ok. I got cheated on, and God brought this reality to me: When you sin, and then rationalize it like you do so well, Sydney, you're doing the same thing he did. And I feel the same way- 'Wow. You didn't respect me enough not to?'

It's rich, and it has been a recurring thought, especially on days like today when I'm fasting and I SUCK at fasting. Like, royally suck. I always give into eating on that day. I just don't like it, but I want to so bad! I know that it's significant in the life of a Christian, and I just want to so badly. But then Mid day I just start thinking about how regular eating is, and I do it, because, well, God didnt teachnically (in italics, of course) command me to eat- it must be my own voice that I can not listen to, right? Not right.

The problem is, when I fast, it's my choice to refine and focus and improve my relationship with God. I just don't want to eat because I just want to know him more. Just like David (ideally) forsook some things because he would rather be with me. And so it's a way I choose to honor God, and when I break it, it's like Monica said- 'Wow. All that for a cake ball?' (which was my demise today. I was baking for the bachelorette...)

Im sorry God, and I don't want to cheapen a fast, or my love for you, or the strength of small actions, because as its reflected in our human relationships, small actions can mean the world, either making it or breaking it, you know? And I don't want to cheapen it anymore.

Just my confession.

He does not slumber.

I don't have a job. It's official. One more year of teaching-joblessness. I'm going to be real honest and say I'm dissapointed, at best.

I know that in everything, God works for the good of those who love him, and since God's will is always best, I believe that ultimately, God does what he wants. Which is fine, because he knows better than I do. So he didn't want me to get a job because there is something better in store for me this year. Fine.

What stings is hope deflated. I prayed. A lot. I prayed 'in faith' that God would give me a job, lest this be another year of living with an unfulfilled calling. To the point of walking proverbially on eggshells with fasts and such (which I know doesn't twist God's arm in any way, but it never hurts to cover all your bases, I thought). Yet, it still didn't happen. I just wish God hadn't let me believe it was possible when he was never going to give me a job anyways. Because hope...biblically, it never dissapoints, but I'm having a hard time believing it. It might sound shallow, but I'm not talking a failed prosperity gospel here. Beyond the words in black and white in the bible, I don't know if I believe in 'praying in faith' for myself. I've never seen it work for any of the things I've "believed" hardest for. I even got real honest with God in my journal and told him that all this about having faith when you pray seems like its a bunch shit when it comes to real life.

I've got nothing left. Naturally, I can't pick myself up from this. But yesterday during quiet time, I opened my bible to psalm 121 and read this:

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. "

He's not asleep. i'm hopeless, deflated, drained, bitterly disappointed, and disbelieving. But i can't deny God, and he's not asleep. i'm not overlooked like i feel i have been. my life didn't accidentally slide of the road into a rut of unemployment because God fell asleep behind the wheel. His plan for my life is pushing forward when i'm not.

He doesn't sleep. And that's enough for me.

yoga schmoga

I don't feel as flippant towards yoga as "yoga schmoga" would suggest as a title. its just that i took a yoga class yesterday and it was, as i expected it to be, a little new age-y. the thing is, it took place in the upstairs room of a church i thought to be christian, but could have been unitarian, which explains it. now, while im always a little weary of participating in things that are all about spiritualism and healing outside of christianity, i try to make all the meditation and "centering" into a time of prayer and just relaxing in a thankful-to-god manner.
anyway, we were in the middle of a relaxing period at the end of the session, complete with lilac-scented eye pillows, and the instructor read an excerpt from a book on wisdom. I dont remember every part she read, but i do remember, at one point, she read "you should learn from the wisdom of a tree..." and i started thinking. a tree? really? thats where we should get wisdom? not that yogi's derive wisdom solely from trees, but they also look within themselves, to nature, etc, to find this wisdom. and i couldnt help but think that these things are wrong because this is wisdom being sought from created things, and not from the creator.
the more problematic of these sources of knowledge, out of nature and humans, is, i think humans. the idea the humans could have buried inside themselves a perfectly enlightened, unlimited source of wisdom is absolutely impossible to me. of course, as a believer in god, i am biased because nothing could be higher than god. but there is enough proof in humanity alone to disprove our wisdom- think about all the mistakes people make, and how evil they can be, and how unreflective people can be about themselves. we are so limited- we DIE. we don't use 90% of our brain mass. we are, forever and ever, flawed. so i just dont really understand how one could come to the conclusion that if we go far enough INWARD, we will reach something further away from ourselves.
instead, we should be looking outside of ourselves, to something wholly removed and other than us. That is what the idea of "holiness" is. Not that i can do it justice, because i couldnt even begin to wrap my mind around a concept like holiness; but its the idea of a separation, being so perfect as to be set apart. So god is so far removed and so set apart from us, that he remains unscathed by anything human. furthermore, as the creator, doesnt it make sense for created things to look to their maker for wisdom?
just a thought.

Breakfast

I read a story in the bible a few days ago that really stuck out to me. here it is:

One of my favorite stories is one of the very last in the gospel of John, and it's where Jesus shows up on the beach post-resurrection. By this point, the disciples have already seen him a few times, but they are still out fishing, and I'm not sure why. For them to be fishing is for them to be returning to their old jobs instead of the new job Jesus had given them as 'fishers of men.' Maybe they were discouraged by Jesus' dying. I don't know, but they are back to their old lives.
So they are fishing, and Jesus sees them struggling and not catching anything from the shore, so he tells them to put the nets on the other side of the boat. This same thing happened to the disciples at the very beginning when they met Jesus, so Peter immediately recognized him. He jumps out of the boat and swims to shore, which I think is amazing. Then, the rest of the guys follow, hauling their incredible load of fish to the beach. Jesus starts a fire and cooks them breakfast, and they eat.
I really like this story because its the most perfect picture of grace that I think is in the bible. I mean, its just my opinion, but really. Peter has, just a few chapters before, denied Jesus three times. And Jesus comes back and eats breakfast with him. This touches Peter to the point that he swims to shore from a distance that was deep enough to net-fish with! That's intense, but its the kind of love that God inspires.
Something new that stuck out to me this time though was the fact that Jesus not only forgives Peter and does this act of restoration, but also that Jesus meets him on a level that is entirely human. Jesus is God, and after his resurrection everyone knows that full well. But he comes back to 1.) eat and 2.) spend time with people. God doesnt need to eat, and he certainly doesnt need company the way that people do, because he is relationally completed in the trinity and doesn't ever get lonely. But he comes to the disciples, namely Peter, and joins him in the very human acts of eating and spending time with someone, because that's what Peter needs to be restored after sinning against God. Jesus could have left him well alone after he denied him, to simply believe that he was forgiven based on the words he had said about forgiveness and sin and all that mess while he was living. And we all know that's hard. But instead, Jesus meets him.
Its beautiful, because it shows the heart of the God that I know. God meets us where we are all the time instead of expecting us to rise up to meet him, which he very well has the right to do.

Acclimation

I love lent. Like, I LOVE it. I think I have said this before, but every Christmas and then Easter, I long with everything I have for a deeper understanding of the spiritual significance of these holidays. And the fasting that takes place with lent not only makes the significance something tangible that I can wrestle with every day, but I see it in a different light every year too. So along with lent, I have a few scattered thoughts to share from the past few days that need to be packaged:

1. First, I am reading in 1 Samuel right now, about Saul. When I got to the part about him getting ready to go into battle, but waiting for Samuel to come sacrifice, but he takes too long so Saul does the sacrifice himself, and then is cursed for it, it struck me how significant this disobedience was to God. I mean, from my perspective, it's a sacrifice. One that was offered in the right way using the right materials and for the right purposes, but just a little bit early. And the consequence was God stripping Saul of his favor so that he wouldn't be king anymore? I mean, really. I am also led to believe that this is the root of all the "troublesome spirits" that entered Saul later and caused him to try to kill David and go a little insane.
That is quite a punishment.
But the fact is that God requires absolute obedience. I don't know why God wanted it offered at the very time he did, and there might not even have been any reason that would have manifested itself in this world besides that's what God wanted. But that is all we have.
And so I think that this provides a kind of backdrop to my heart. You know how jewelers and museums and anyone else who might photograph jewelry will put a black velvet cloth behind a diamond to show its perfection and/or flaws? Well, this demonstration of the requirement of obedience is a backdrop to show my flaws. I am not absolutely obedient, and oftentimes I will tweak what God says by pushing the action into my own timetable, or creating a contingency of sorts. This is SO very wrong, and I am working on it, but it just goes to show how far removed I am from the reverence that the Israelites had (and had to have) towards God.
And the scary thing is, is that doing things on my own time table and at my convenience is so natural. I think that I have acclimated myself, in this way, to what surrounds me, and that is dangerous. My whole standard of normal is changing, and even though everywhere I am will not be Xa at UVa, I need to find a balance and not doubt that the depth of relationship I had with God there was very real and sustainable.
Isn't this also a backdrop, though, to show the grace that God gives us? His one wrong act took Saul out of God's favor, yet nothing can do that for me. I'm not saying there aren't consequences, but Jesus' death covers me so God pardons me, and I will never have to justify myself. This is huge. And what's more, is that God pursues me to give me this grace. Crazy.
I wish I could keep this at the forefront of my mind each and every second of the day.

2. Second, I was going to go into something else, but I forget what it is, and this was already long enough. So.
Oh yeah, it was about a general Christian expectation of victory. I will elaborate on that tomorrow, since it is kind of related, but not really.

So happy lent, and happy meditating on God's grace in your life.

"I want it that way..."

The fact is that its about time I revive this blog, because I've been having quite a few revelations recently, and they really should be documented. And what better way to do that than with Backstreet Boys lyrics?

I was reading in I Samuel the other day, and I was struck by the whole story about Israel wanting a king. Basically, since Israel began as a people group, God had been their leader. And then he takes them out of the oppression of Egypt into the freedom of the wilderness and soon-coming promise land, and rules them. Its a theocracy, and a pretty good one too, minus all the rebellion. But around I Samuel, they start begging God for a king, and its because they want to be like all the other nations. That's why- they want to be normal like everyone else they see and have a king! And God warns them and says that this will be something that they will deeply regret later, and a king will be unfair, and God will gladly just rule over them justly forever, but they say no. They readily accept the forthcoming consequences to take a king, and the story goes on to show that it really does suck for them.

The whole part about Israel suffering because of their choice really isn't the focus so much, but even more than that I was struck by the fact that Israel made that decision. I mean, they consciously chose to have a king, and head down the wrong road, when God was holding freedom and his rule right there for them. Isn't that crazy? I almost couldn't believe it when I read the story, even though I have read it tons of times before. I just can't comprehend why Israel would choose oppression, in the name of being considered normal.

But then I remembered that I do this too, and its not something that is hard to do, either. There are many opportunities to replace God in my life with other things that are detrimental. I mean, God offers to be our joy, our providence, our companion, our security, our king, our wisdom, everything. Yet the temptation to trust in our jobs over God, or to take someone else's advice instead of God's, or to do what we want instead of what he wants, is SO strong. Even when the consequences are laid out! I still accept the wrong road knowingly! Crazy.

Its easy to say when Im not faced with a decision to make, but God really does tell us exactly what he wants us to do in most situations. To follow that sounds like the obvious action, but it's hard, especially when we want to be "normal." Or when we see something we like, and there is no better alternative except what God asks us to have faith in. It's hard. And I make the wrong decision often. But what is amazing is that God has the grace to forgive us, and not get mad, and turn our mistakes into something that works. I love it.