happy hALLYween!!!

Hooray for HALLYween! (which is allyson's birthday and halloween. combined).
and since it is this special day, i guess i'll write in orange.

so a lot has happened:

my weekend with robster was amazing. basically, we spent the whole weeked dressing up and eating out. and my house got to dress up like disney princesses (pictures will come later) and i looked just like sleeping beauty. it was awesome. and then to cap off my awesome weekend, ben randomly called and (get this) asked me out to dinner. like, he drove and hour here to eat then an hour back. not that that was especially a highlight, it was just pretty...surprising. i have a whole slew of feelings about it, and immediately after i felt like he was a big jerk. but i had a chance to talk to him last night and he apologized and cleared up a lot of things about his recent behavior. i feel better about him now.

speaking of ben, lets get into my depressed feelings so i can leave on a happy note after. so tonight was allysons birthday and we went out to dinner. SOMEHOW, i dont know how, i got stuck in the most awkward position between and surrounded by all the engaged and extra lovey-dovey couples. and so, i think that kind of has begun my mood right now. basically, im sad because i dont understand why i am not at that position in my life right now. im a fourth year in college, and honestly, i hate being independent. i like relying on other people and being the one others trust. (set all the spiritual ideas you have aside, i know that God is in control and purposeful, blah blah blah- i dont wanna hear it, and im speaking on an entirely human level). i just cant help but think of the past two years with ben as a waste. because i put so much of myself into it (but not an unpure amount), and so much trust, and love, and time, and everything. two very crucial years. and now im just a girl about to graduate who is 3 months single. he could have at least dumped me earlier and considered that i would be in this position during this year. everyone around me is engaged. i hate it. i HATE it. and i kinda just wish that i could take it all back. ugh. except thats prolly not true. i prolly learned from it. whatever.

i dont even want to be engaged. im just freakin tired of all these people around me being so freakin into their fiances, or boyfriends, or whatever. it makes me literally want to puke.

on a lighter note, allysons birthday was awesome. we had 5 random guys pick her up for a date as a surprise. haha. it was awesome. plus it was beautiful today. but i didnt even eat any candy, im so proud of myself!

and i need to read. ps- miss moneekuh, i love you.

im going to eat some chocolate. that doesnt count as candy unless it has something in it.