i think i'm going to boston, i think i'll start a new life...

yes. its true.
i think i'm going to boston.

and by think, i mean i know i am unless God intervenes sometime before i take a job there to let me know otherwise. i'm not really telling people, but i feel like today has been a big development, so i need to document it before i go back on it, you know?

so i have been debating between nova and MA for a long time. and i haven't felt like god has led me in either direction in a long time; i used to feel like it was leaning towards boston, but it wasn't clear. and actually, i have been avoiding praying about it because i was scared, a little bit, of the response God would give me. i mean, i didn't REALLY feel more scared about either, but there is something intimidating about knowing the next step you have to take into adulthood. scary.

i was lying in bed today and the question was floating around in the back of my head, and i was finally like- look, i need to bring this thing to the surface and face it, because lingering KILLS me. so. i did. and then, i watched church online today (i was in nova visiting friends who didn't plan on church for today), just really feeling like i needed to be in God's presence, and the message was crazy.

the pastor preached on Judges 6, about gideon. in a nutshell, gideon is hiding out being oppressed by the midianites or amelikites or philistines or someone who i dont remember, and an angel comes and says 'dont be afraid, God is with you.' so then gidean asks why crap is happening when God is supposedly there, and then God speaks to him and reassures him that he should go up and seize his destiny. and so the sermon was about how God creates our destiny and we don't, but we make the choice whether or not to seize it and in what capacity.

and have you ever been sitting listening to a speaker and you know its for you and you know exactly what its about too? yes. that was today. and i guess someone could try to say that i was just thinking too much, but no. thats not it. i know that it was refering to boston. i have been praying for my family to get saved. i want my dad to know God, more than almost anything else. and that's my primary reason for moving up, to build relationship with him, but that is scary! i have no friends, no church, no familiarity with the school system, and no kind of faith network at all there! and of course i had hoped i would be dating someone to have that as support when i start to teach, but i can't take a relationship to boston with me! ahh! its scary! and what if my dad doesn't recieve it?

but thats not it. God has promised that if i step into this destiny into which he has called me, he will work it all out. now, i don't know if that means my dad will come to know him. but God is a good god, and he has so much more for me than i do for myself. so what that means is i need to be courageous and step into it without hesitation. i need to dedicate this semester to transitioning to life there, and God is sending me forth.

and if i do hesitate, its ok because God has grace for that. i mean, i cannot turn back. i have been brought this far and i can't settle at this point in my life. it's not for me, at all. no. but i can be scared. gideon asked for 4 signs before he went forward, and God provided all of them and told him 'I will wait for you.' God waited for him! that's crazy. and...i don't even know what this destiny entails. but i've had a taste, and i can't not go.

on the other hand, its really happening, and i am going to be lonely. i know i am. i am not going to be so optimistic that i lie to myself, because people are made to be in relationship with other people, and not that God can't meet that whole need, but he doesn't. so i will be without friends for a while. and what is going to be worse is leaving my sister. i love her so much. i cried when i left her house tonight for no reason but missing her. and maybe my birth control too. but still. its going to be rough. and i have to find a job. and take those freaking licensure tests for MA. and learn new things. i HATE new things. but its ok. i am following God.

and so, a quote for my semester:
courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something greater than what is feared.

ok. here we go. pray for me, please?