He does not slumber.

I don't have a job. It's official. One more year of teaching-joblessness. I'm going to be real honest and say I'm dissapointed, at best.

I know that in everything, God works for the good of those who love him, and since God's will is always best, I believe that ultimately, God does what he wants. Which is fine, because he knows better than I do. So he didn't want me to get a job because there is something better in store for me this year. Fine.

What stings is hope deflated. I prayed. A lot. I prayed 'in faith' that God would give me a job, lest this be another year of living with an unfulfilled calling. To the point of walking proverbially on eggshells with fasts and such (which I know doesn't twist God's arm in any way, but it never hurts to cover all your bases, I thought). Yet, it still didn't happen. I just wish God hadn't let me believe it was possible when he was never going to give me a job anyways. Because hope...biblically, it never dissapoints, but I'm having a hard time believing it. It might sound shallow, but I'm not talking a failed prosperity gospel here. Beyond the words in black and white in the bible, I don't know if I believe in 'praying in faith' for myself. I've never seen it work for any of the things I've "believed" hardest for. I even got real honest with God in my journal and told him that all this about having faith when you pray seems like its a bunch shit when it comes to real life.

I've got nothing left. Naturally, I can't pick myself up from this. But yesterday during quiet time, I opened my bible to psalm 121 and read this:

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. "

He's not asleep. i'm hopeless, deflated, drained, bitterly disappointed, and disbelieving. But i can't deny God, and he's not asleep. i'm not overlooked like i feel i have been. my life didn't accidentally slide of the road into a rut of unemployment because God fell asleep behind the wheel. His plan for my life is pushing forward when i'm not.

He doesn't sleep. And that's enough for me.