(deep breath in)

I find myself spending time around some very intense individuals.

Ps- I feel like this blog is going to turn into an emotional roller coaster because the only time I need to spill my mind out all over the place is when I am really excited or really...thoughtful and introspective. The latest episode was provoked by a movie night, of all things, this evening, and I am drained from it, really.

Ok, back to intense people. Sometimes talking to people is exhausting, because they are so deeply involved in some circumstance in life, or just because they are deep in general. Being as multi-faceted as I think I am, I can get really intense too, and I really appreciate that quality in other people, and I get drawn in really easiy. And it just kind of sucks me in, and whatever their ideas are, I get wrapped up in them and can't pull my mind out of that particular mindset. In one sense, its so good because my emotions and thoughts and reasoning are all aligned, and it usually involved my heart in some capacity too. And alignment is just a good feeling to have. But on the other hand, its so consuming to hear someone's perspective, and that alignment becomes a drudge, and its a weight really. Because then I start to step back and think about my life and I see myself as very shallow and fickle and basically pointless, in that light. It usually happens when I hear about people traveling or talking about their big cause or an intellectual idea or something. And after the rush is gone, is depressing, because Im not all about whatever the other person is, and maybe I should be?And if that's the case, then running and making valentines and playing with little kids and liking boys is a stupid waste of time.

oh crap. thats my life.

So I have to separate myself from said conversation, and then re-center. I am in the place in life that God wants me to be in. I cannot change the whole world. I can't do everything. So the option is to give up because the problem is always bigger than I am, or I can keep reminding myself that God handles people all the time, and he knows where I am supposed to be to make everything work the way it should. I am most effective in God's will, and that is that. I'm not ineffective, and I am not as shallow or narrow-sighted as I think I am. I mean, I might be, but that's not what God wants to tell me, I dont think. Its just that not everyone is called to do everything, and that is a hard pill to swallow when you want to do everything, you know?

I struggled with this when Kathryn went to Africa and I didnt. She's known all along that she's supposed to be there, and I knew it too. She just can't be anywhere else. And her heart is so good, and so are her aspirations, that I want to have a share in that too. Can you blame me though? So her going and me staying here to go to school everyday, they just dont seem to balance well. One is defiitely more seemingly important than the other. But I had to get the revelation that Africa is not where God has called me, and pound it into my own head. Just because its noble and good and Godly doesn't mean that God has called you to care about and/or solve it. It doesn't make any sense, but its true. And I've got an easier life (physically speaking, and probably in other senses too), but its not any less world changing when its God's plan. Oh God's will. Its a crazy thing to be in, really.

Anyways, the conclussion is that I can't be around intense people for too long. I know I am addicted to them, and I love it, but I need to learn to be anchored before I engage in conversation.

Ugh, I'm glad that I don't have to figure my life out.