happy hALLYween!!!

Hooray for HALLYween! (which is allyson's birthday and halloween. combined).
and since it is this special day, i guess i'll write in orange.

so a lot has happened:

my weekend with robster was amazing. basically, we spent the whole weeked dressing up and eating out. and my house got to dress up like disney princesses (pictures will come later) and i looked just like sleeping beauty. it was awesome. and then to cap off my awesome weekend, ben randomly called and (get this) asked me out to dinner. like, he drove and hour here to eat then an hour back. not that that was especially a highlight, it was just pretty...surprising. i have a whole slew of feelings about it, and immediately after i felt like he was a big jerk. but i had a chance to talk to him last night and he apologized and cleared up a lot of things about his recent behavior. i feel better about him now.

speaking of ben, lets get into my depressed feelings so i can leave on a happy note after. so tonight was allysons birthday and we went out to dinner. SOMEHOW, i dont know how, i got stuck in the most awkward position between and surrounded by all the engaged and extra lovey-dovey couples. and so, i think that kind of has begun my mood right now. basically, im sad because i dont understand why i am not at that position in my life right now. im a fourth year in college, and honestly, i hate being independent. i like relying on other people and being the one others trust. (set all the spiritual ideas you have aside, i know that God is in control and purposeful, blah blah blah- i dont wanna hear it, and im speaking on an entirely human level). i just cant help but think of the past two years with ben as a waste. because i put so much of myself into it (but not an unpure amount), and so much trust, and love, and time, and everything. two very crucial years. and now im just a girl about to graduate who is 3 months single. he could have at least dumped me earlier and considered that i would be in this position during this year. everyone around me is engaged. i hate it. i HATE it. and i kinda just wish that i could take it all back. ugh. except thats prolly not true. i prolly learned from it. whatever.

i dont even want to be engaged. im just freakin tired of all these people around me being so freakin into their fiances, or boyfriends, or whatever. it makes me literally want to puke.

on a lighter note, allysons birthday was awesome. we had 5 random guys pick her up for a date as a surprise. haha. it was awesome. plus it was beautiful today. but i didnt even eat any candy, im so proud of myself!

and i need to read. ps- miss moneekuh, i love you.

im going to eat some chocolate. that doesnt count as candy unless it has something in it.

blaAAArfff

its kinda like a new word for awkward. cause thats how my life is...

so i definitely slept for 2 hours last night. and i think that might be one of the factors contributing to this feeling of..i dont know. really. i just dont know how to feel. oh man.

heres been my day: i woke up in time to get to class and make a turkey out of oreo cookies, frosting and candy. you think im joking, but im not. then i got to carry it home across grounds. and through the e-school, at that. hahaha. so then i planned on napping, but my intrinsically motivated self just cant skip the gym, so i did that and then showered and then passed out for 2 hours. and i mean passed out. like, one of my favorite things to do is put on sweat pants and a big sweatshirt after a shower and then take a nap with wet hair and being all bundled up under the covers. combine it with no sleep. i almost missed work.
and work was just weird, because the kids are getting out of control. my boss told me about the new plan for keeping the kids under control because she didnt want me leaving my job exhausted and thinking "i hate my job". funny, she almost read my mind.
then dinner with a cg girl, campus wide worship, and cg shopping for the christmas child boxes. i got to pick out a lot of toys for a 5-9 year old girl, and let me tell you , it was fun. but incase you ever want to hear a rant on how barbie is a manifestation of america's moral decay, let me know. ugh...

so then i came home and started homework, which means getting on aim. and one of my friends asked me to the xa semiformal, (which, mind you, is in december), and it was just...kind of awkward. like, not that i think its going to be weird between us, but the whole concept of a date at an xa function is just kind of weird. and one reserved a month early at that. thats earlier than i was asked to prom. i was also kind of hoping to be a free agent for this event, you know, so i could play the field. and then a certain someone brought it up in a seperate conversation, and that was rather awkward too. so i guess im going with a date to the semi formal. weird.

speaking of dances, the shout house is having one this saturday and our house has the best costume idea ever. we are going as DISNEY PRINCESSES! and im sleeping beauty :) which is good, because when i took the "which princess are you" quiz, i definitely got aurora. ha!

ok, thats it i think. oh man. all this drama sucks. so glad im graduating soon, because im becoming that sketchy old girl.

number two: God is being himself again.

Two posts in one 24-hour period! cuh-razy.

basically, i just wanna praise the Lord a little bit. i love how much God loves me. seriously, he's got to, because he puts up with an awful lot from me. take, for example, this crush situation.

i have a crush. i know that this boy is not the best that God has in mind, nor am i good for this boy. why? because i want affection. i like having someone who i know thinks im a hottie and who likes me. not that i need it, because believe me, i am plenty confident and this isnt me crying out for help. no. i am secure in Gods view of me, and my own of myself, praise the Lord. i just like having someone there, cause i am a girl and i think all girls do. but im not looking for a relationship, this boy most likely is, and i dont want to lead him on. well, immediately i do because its fun for me. but for him, i wish he could be guaranteed to be just as heart-safe as i am. anyways, the bottom line is that its not the best.

so now i've got this choice: a) i can take a detour from God's amazing (but unknown) plan for my love life/life in general and enjoy this crush for what it is and do my thing. this isnt going to mess up my life necessarily, its just like a little break from the God path, and i can hop right back on when its over and done with.
or b) i can choose to look forward to what God has for me and be confident that i am getting the best, both with regards to my future and my relationship with God right now.

the beautiful thing about God culminates here. he gives me this choice, i know he does, no matter what ben or harvest renewal or frickin jcalvin himself would say right now. and i am picking option b because he has brought me through this life long process of refining so that i dont want to be away from God for any duration, even if it has no apparent effect in the long run.

more than that, God does not deny the human condition and weakness. he knows better than anyone how much i dont want to give this up. think about it- flirting, having a crush and acting on it, is not inherently sinful or anything. so the other night, i pretty much told God that nothing in me desires to give this up and stay away from mr. cutie, but rather that i only had enough in me to say that i know the truth of the matter is that not pursuing is the better of the two options. and, like he faithfully always does, God is taking it from there. God will prevent me from seeing him as often as i want to, God will make certain flirting attempts fail before they have a chance to be carried out, and God will give me people to tell about this so i can be honest with myself and say i really do want to be crushy with him, but i wont.

and I think God is honored. if not by my choosing him, then by my acknowledging that he sees my humanness, my sketchy manipulative girl-ness, and that he responds in a way to make up for it and i dont have to even want it with everything i have.

he loves me so much : )
and he loves you too. so much.

manipulative...just like me : )

hey girl. and anyone else? i guess its not a closed letter...

so basically i feel like im in high school because ive somehow developed a small crush on exactly who miss moneekuh would think. except its mostly just that i like to flirt and i like the attention. but youre right, he IS kinda cute. and he does have a cute smile...ughh. so much drama in my life right now.

ROBSTER is coming this weekend! im so excited. so we've got a busy weekend too: friday night is the hoedown, saturday is a grand 14 miles before noon, football, and the shout house halloween dance party. i need a costume. i think my house, or five of us, should go as the spice girls. hahah. i need ideas, clearly. any? please?

(im sitting here writing, supposed to be working on a collaborative paper. i think my partner thinks im typing the paper. hehehe!)

last night and tonight, UVA hosted the Veritas lectures, which basically features a christian scholar coming in and talking apologetics. He talked about the historicity of Jesus, and it was pretty good. Im amazed at how much thinking he must do, because I asked him a question following the lecture, one that would normally take some time if someone asked me, and he just shot out an answer. but not like a ready-made answer. it was almost like his thinking is just a billion times faster than mine.

...and its really cold outside. which makes it the perfect skirt-and-tights weather. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clearly, i havent figured out how to type out my squeals.

ps the other night our house did a photo shoot, and i love this picture. its my fav.

hahaha.

ok, so thats about it. i dont have anything else to say. and really, i just want monica to go off strike.
and to get this frickin crush out because its making me giddy, and giddiness is NOT condusive to papering.

Sundizzay!

My Sunday morning started bright and early at 7:15 because i had a peer team (core group for core group leaders, essentially) meeting this morning. so when i went to bed and finally fell asleep at 3:45 last night/this morning, i pretty much decided i wasnt going to church. except then i woke up and knew i really was in fact going. lets face it, god is god and he does what he wants!

so first in peer team we talked about the reality of the spiritual world and spiritual warfare and stuff. i began to study it at the end of last year/beginning of the summer, but i quit, sadly, and never picked it up again. but today i re-realized the magnitude of it. and it was kinda provocative for me because lately, ive been thinking about how faith works with real life. like, when i went to boston to see my dad, i realized he lives a life that is devoid of true relationship with god, and it was even hard for me to maintain mine like usual. i just kept busy and then didnt take time to pray. and then its like being there reminded me of everything that makes up "real life" and the way it is there, it just seems like there is no room for faith and jesus and believing in the supernatural. so then i thought about it faith really meshes with life outside of my college bubble that i have made into my safe christian space, ya know? and it all connects to warfare because i was wondering about healing, and if you do believe in it, then where is the line for just being naturally physically sick and seeking medical help vs. praying in faith alone. anyways.

so then church came, and even when the sermon wasnt about it, i kept thinking about how i dont pray as much as i would like to because i dont think i have a good idea of just how powerful god is. he kinda spoke that to me, asking if i really believed if he is sovereign and in control. i would like to say i do, but honestly, the way the world looks, it doesnt look like he is. i mean, i can believe god is in control of my personal life and destiny and such. but the world? why is so much crap happening then? ughh. i know, no answer. and then i need to have a revelation of his power, because i would def. seek out his help in prayer if i believed it.

ps- i am obsessed with the alicia keys song "diary."
ps(b)- ashley and i decided to start drinking a glass of red wine every night for our heart health. so tonight we began, and we had no glasses, so instead we drank it out of clear plastic cups. hahaha.

anyways, so then in church my heart for latin america also flared up, and i started looking for opportunities to go there soon. like, post graduation or later in the summer is what i mean. and ive been thinking about it with respect to ben and everything, and right now i am at a point where i can be free because im not tied to anything. like, before when i thought ben and i would be getting married, i didnt know when latin america would fit and how. but now i dont have that reason to stick around, and its a little crazy. so i started thinking about the prospect of marrying a latin american. oh man. then having little soccer-playing kids! ahhhh! basically, i dont know how this marriage thing is going to pan out, not that i am worried because i know god has it all, but its still really disillusioning. you know? maybe not.

(hey miss moneekuh! i hope you are having an amazing day and i love you! cause i know youre the only one reading...hahaha )

and thats about it. i love god, really. and im excited about my future. its just sad to let go of things and realize that they are indeed slipping away. but hey, the christian life is anything but boring, isnt it?

goodnight.

my date with kevin henkes

At the end of every week (and by the end, i mean wednesday night) i have to ask myself- why am i so tired?
the answer is, simply, because im a perfectionist, and an arts-and-crafts gifted perfectionist to make it worse. how do i know? because only perfectionists do things like spend 2 hours mixing paints trying to achieve the perfect color of purple to go on the background of a tri-fold board. only perfectionists spend hours making sure all the colors on a project are balanced and beautiful, and that the book covers being matted match the mat better than the rest. what else do perfectionists do? stay up this late working on an ed school project. and then stay up to journal about it. ughhh my life is so awkward.

but my project looks awesome

i got to go observe in a pre-k classroom today, and i can say that one of the things i am most excited for when i get to be a teacher is buying and wearing teachers clothes. my outfit today just made my whole day, you know? i think secretly, maybe not so secretly, i aspire to be one of those cute teachers. yeah. thats what i want to be i think.

another highlight from today was grocery shopping. i hadnt been shopping in about a month and a half, so after getting over the fact that i hate spending money on food, i got to go to the grocery store and spend a good hour there walking up and down every aisle. except the pet care aisle, of course. and even though i spent $120 there, i saved $30 with my kroger card. im genuinely excited about this. i would say im passionate about grocery shopping. its one of my mom qualities i think.

is my strong desire to be a mom/ many mom-like qualities potentially scary for potential boyfriends? because i dont want it to be. i just get really excited about it, but i dont want anyone running away because they think a date is a committment to help me raise our children someday. it doesnt matter anyways, i was just wondering.

ok. i want to go to bed tonight, as wussy as it sounds. i need to run tomorrow, so. you know.
buenos noches!

look after you

If i dont say this now
i will surely break
as i'm leaving the one i want to take
Forgive the urgency
but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
oh oh oh, oh, oh
oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
i'll look after you

There now, steady love
so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you be
the one i always know
When i'm losing my control
the city spins around
You're the only one who knows
You slow it down

oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
oh oh oh, oh, oh
oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
i'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
my love, she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
she says most assuredly

oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
oh oh oh, oh, oh
oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
i'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
Whats mine is yours to leave, to take
whats mine is yours to make your own

oh oh oh, oh oh oh
be my baby
i'll look after you


look after you. by The Fray. sigh.