love.

Currently, im in virginia beach visiting because i have not been back here in a long time, and i know i probably wont be back for a while.

im kind of a mess right now. i mean, i think whats going on has been a long time coming, because God is using this very trip home (and when i say home i mean "home" because my mom is in hawaii, my bff is in madagascar, im staying with another family, and all my friends are gone) to expound on what he has been saying to me about love within the past few months. its kind of tough because prior to this, i thought i was relatively good at loving people, but it turns out im not that good at it. and im not saying this as a pity party or something to refute, even though sometimes thats my intention honestly, but not right now. its just the truth, and i need to realize that.

ive been learning what real love looks like, and that it is not something that i can do within my own power. loving people means genuinely finding some intrinsic value in them, not because of what they can do for you/be to you/say to you/think of you, but because God loves them a lot. like, A LOT. and im figuring out, much to my dissapointment, that this cant be forced or faked, and that the human heart has not capacity to love out of itself, and its got to be an overflow from God's heart. and its very easy to mistake the sweet, nice and friendly things people (i) do, even the most selfless, for genuine love, because they arent the same (though they can be).

i hung out with some people from high school last night who are not christians, and who are nothing like me. our moral fibers are like night and day, and it was awkwaard sitting there because i felt so boring to them, not being able to contribute anything to the converation about being drunk, getting high, and getting some. and i hate myself for sticking out as the religious one, because they have labeled me that. so i had to debreif, and after talking to ginny, i realize i have so much more room for improvement, and that God is really just getting started. im so uncomforable around people who arent like me, and i dont share Jesus with them because i dont love them. maybe im wrong, but i dont think there is a point to sharing jesus with people you dont love. i mean, God can use it, but thats not how it should look. its like using people to get your salvation tally up, because no matter how much you love God, you overlook their souls in this model, and thats really the most valuable part of the whole deal according to God. anyways, i approach people very intentionally, but not so in a positive way, but more like a mission type deal. they are more a moral correction than a person to love, so i fail miserably if i am totally honest with myself. which stings, by the way.

and the more i think about it, the more clearly i can see that this whole lesson is a preparation for massachusetts. that might not be its only purpose, but it is one. i am going to be in such a foreign environment, and thats physically, spiritually, morally, mentally, blah blah. keep adding. i just cant do it, it feels like. but what i really need is for God to put that burden on my heart and to give me genuine love and compassion for people, and then to teach me how to deal with them. not deal with them in a bad sense, but how to deal with myself in interacting with them. how the hell did Jesus hang out with sinners and prostitutes and crap? i mean, being there isnt so much an issue as what he would say, right? but he did it, and so can i because he lives in me. its just trusting that and allowing God to unearth it. so God, please do that.

i also had dinner with the waller fam tonight (just mom and dad waller). it was weird being in kathryn's house without her there, and to go into her room and to see everything there, to smell her normal room scent, and to expect her to walk into the room right behind me talking about how its my turn to turn of the lamp tonight, but she doesnt come...its so weird. i cried and mrs waller cried sitting there talking. im pretty sure mr. waller cried when he walked me out to my car. i miss that girl, and words cant express how i love her. some get pretty close (c.s. lewis comes the closest with his ideas on friendship), but none really do. ugh. i miss her so much, and i really just wonder how she even loves me back or makes time for my ridiculousness.

enough. really.

i think i'm going to boston, i think i'll start a new life...

yes. its true.
i think i'm going to boston.

and by think, i mean i know i am unless God intervenes sometime before i take a job there to let me know otherwise. i'm not really telling people, but i feel like today has been a big development, so i need to document it before i go back on it, you know?

so i have been debating between nova and MA for a long time. and i haven't felt like god has led me in either direction in a long time; i used to feel like it was leaning towards boston, but it wasn't clear. and actually, i have been avoiding praying about it because i was scared, a little bit, of the response God would give me. i mean, i didn't REALLY feel more scared about either, but there is something intimidating about knowing the next step you have to take into adulthood. scary.

i was lying in bed today and the question was floating around in the back of my head, and i was finally like- look, i need to bring this thing to the surface and face it, because lingering KILLS me. so. i did. and then, i watched church online today (i was in nova visiting friends who didn't plan on church for today), just really feeling like i needed to be in God's presence, and the message was crazy.

the pastor preached on Judges 6, about gideon. in a nutshell, gideon is hiding out being oppressed by the midianites or amelikites or philistines or someone who i dont remember, and an angel comes and says 'dont be afraid, God is with you.' so then gidean asks why crap is happening when God is supposedly there, and then God speaks to him and reassures him that he should go up and seize his destiny. and so the sermon was about how God creates our destiny and we don't, but we make the choice whether or not to seize it and in what capacity.

and have you ever been sitting listening to a speaker and you know its for you and you know exactly what its about too? yes. that was today. and i guess someone could try to say that i was just thinking too much, but no. thats not it. i know that it was refering to boston. i have been praying for my family to get saved. i want my dad to know God, more than almost anything else. and that's my primary reason for moving up, to build relationship with him, but that is scary! i have no friends, no church, no familiarity with the school system, and no kind of faith network at all there! and of course i had hoped i would be dating someone to have that as support when i start to teach, but i can't take a relationship to boston with me! ahh! its scary! and what if my dad doesn't recieve it?

but thats not it. God has promised that if i step into this destiny into which he has called me, he will work it all out. now, i don't know if that means my dad will come to know him. but God is a good god, and he has so much more for me than i do for myself. so what that means is i need to be courageous and step into it without hesitation. i need to dedicate this semester to transitioning to life there, and God is sending me forth.

and if i do hesitate, its ok because God has grace for that. i mean, i cannot turn back. i have been brought this far and i can't settle at this point in my life. it's not for me, at all. no. but i can be scared. gideon asked for 4 signs before he went forward, and God provided all of them and told him 'I will wait for you.' God waited for him! that's crazy. and...i don't even know what this destiny entails. but i've had a taste, and i can't not go.

on the other hand, its really happening, and i am going to be lonely. i know i am. i am not going to be so optimistic that i lie to myself, because people are made to be in relationship with other people, and not that God can't meet that whole need, but he doesn't. so i will be without friends for a while. and what is going to be worse is leaving my sister. i love her so much. i cried when i left her house tonight for no reason but missing her. and maybe my birth control too. but still. its going to be rough. and i have to find a job. and take those freaking licensure tests for MA. and learn new things. i HATE new things. but its ok. i am following God.

and so, a quote for my semester:
courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something greater than what is feared.

ok. here we go. pray for me, please?

(deep breath in)

I find myself spending time around some very intense individuals.

Ps- I feel like this blog is going to turn into an emotional roller coaster because the only time I need to spill my mind out all over the place is when I am really excited or really...thoughtful and introspective. The latest episode was provoked by a movie night, of all things, this evening, and I am drained from it, really.

Ok, back to intense people. Sometimes talking to people is exhausting, because they are so deeply involved in some circumstance in life, or just because they are deep in general. Being as multi-faceted as I think I am, I can get really intense too, and I really appreciate that quality in other people, and I get drawn in really easiy. And it just kind of sucks me in, and whatever their ideas are, I get wrapped up in them and can't pull my mind out of that particular mindset. In one sense, its so good because my emotions and thoughts and reasoning are all aligned, and it usually involved my heart in some capacity too. And alignment is just a good feeling to have. But on the other hand, its so consuming to hear someone's perspective, and that alignment becomes a drudge, and its a weight really. Because then I start to step back and think about my life and I see myself as very shallow and fickle and basically pointless, in that light. It usually happens when I hear about people traveling or talking about their big cause or an intellectual idea or something. And after the rush is gone, is depressing, because Im not all about whatever the other person is, and maybe I should be?And if that's the case, then running and making valentines and playing with little kids and liking boys is a stupid waste of time.

oh crap. thats my life.

So I have to separate myself from said conversation, and then re-center. I am in the place in life that God wants me to be in. I cannot change the whole world. I can't do everything. So the option is to give up because the problem is always bigger than I am, or I can keep reminding myself that God handles people all the time, and he knows where I am supposed to be to make everything work the way it should. I am most effective in God's will, and that is that. I'm not ineffective, and I am not as shallow or narrow-sighted as I think I am. I mean, I might be, but that's not what God wants to tell me, I dont think. Its just that not everyone is called to do everything, and that is a hard pill to swallow when you want to do everything, you know?

I struggled with this when Kathryn went to Africa and I didnt. She's known all along that she's supposed to be there, and I knew it too. She just can't be anywhere else. And her heart is so good, and so are her aspirations, that I want to have a share in that too. Can you blame me though? So her going and me staying here to go to school everyday, they just dont seem to balance well. One is defiitely more seemingly important than the other. But I had to get the revelation that Africa is not where God has called me, and pound it into my own head. Just because its noble and good and Godly doesn't mean that God has called you to care about and/or solve it. It doesn't make any sense, but its true. And I've got an easier life (physically speaking, and probably in other senses too), but its not any less world changing when its God's plan. Oh God's will. Its a crazy thing to be in, really.

Anyways, the conclussion is that I can't be around intense people for too long. I know I am addicted to them, and I love it, but I need to learn to be anchored before I engage in conversation.

Ugh, I'm glad that I don't have to figure my life out.